Task Force !!

Over the weekend i was set a task following on from my emotional lack of control, i was to buy a gift for someone as a treat, but at the same time treat myself to something to equal or lesser value, tho no less than 50% in price.  Sounds easy enough you may think, but I’ve always been the person who makes others happy and I’ve never really concerned myself with my own happiness, so, i browsed till i found a gift the person in question would enjoy. That part didn’t take long, i chose the gift, not i know the price range i had to work with, now my turn for a little treat, easy peasy. That was until i actually had to choose something for myself, it took ages, my mind battling the concept, why are you buying yourself a treat, is it practical ? do you need it ? will it benefit others ? it was quite the fight, like one of those movies where the the space ship is going to fast and they need to pull the break but because of the force of speed they can’t pull the leaver.  It was an emotional experience, some of you may be thinking, ‘it’s only a bloody treat, whats up with him’ but i don’t like to buy things for me, I’d much rather make someone else happy than myself so it wasn’t easy. Which was kinda the point, to shock me into understanding i can make myself happy as well as other people. Again, it’s not easy for me to verbalise my emotions especially as i tend to spend so much time repressing them but I’ll do my best.

Firstly it felt wrong, if i have money to treat myself surely it would be better spent on someone close to me, i can be happy through them, it kept ringing to me, it’s not totally my choice, I’m being asked to do this, it’s a positive thing treating myself, it’s the path to a better me,  it almost felt naughty, like i shouldn’t be doing this, but I’m being told to, but I’d like to so why is it soo confusing.  It was an odd bunch of emotions, but finally i chose something, mostly selfish, something i didn’t need but wanted.

Unfortunately the following night me mind did a little flip and i started to feel guilty at what I’d done, i didn’t need to buy anything, the person who set me the task wouldn’t have known, that in turn made me feel even more guilty that I’d thought that. Me mind was doing all kinds of crazy stuff. Looking back tho, it was a positive experience, i feel maybe my head is on re-boot and hopefully when running again it will be clean. Free of bad thoughts and negative emotions, and to be honest i couldn’t have not bought something, the person who set me the task is very special and i could never do anything that may hurt them or deceive them, i really feel luck to have you Sweets, and i continually thank-you for your love and support at helping me through this.

Also I’d like to thank FK, got a package in the mail today from amazon, you know what it was and Thank-you, I’m sure it will be of great help. I’m happy i have you to listen and show you care.

Take Care All,

Hoves

xxCugglesxx

A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Hi all,  another semi serious post tonight,

I’ve been getting headaches for the past few years, not quite to the degree that Fetish Kitten does, but still they can get pretty bad. Currently I’ve been nursing my current for the past 3 days. I decided it may be wise to seek some advice on what may be the cause so arranged for an eye test today thinking that a problem with me peepers may be bringing on me old noodle nonsense. Well, had the test done with all manor of weird and wonderful devices and after half an hour i had my answer, i was told I couldn’t wish for a better pair of eyes. Yay good eye sight, but wait a min, what about the headache’s ?!? apparently the veins at the back of my right eye are alot more inter twined and twisted than is normal at my age and the optician thinks it may be due to high blood pressure which is un-common at my age but not un-heard of. So now i have the lucky task of goin to me GP to sort out me ol blood pressure, when one door closes another opens.

I’ll keep you posted on weather I’m for the chop shop or not,

Till then take care all,

Hoves

xxCugglesxx

Sometimes The Dam Bursts

Bit of a serious post tonight, but it’ll be beneficial in the long run and it’s things i need to get out in the open.

I’ve always been a very generous person and would never think twice about putting others before my self in most every way, my Friends were always very important to me (and still are), and i was always under the miss-conception that if my friends are happy then so am i, I’m not saying that i now feel I’d get pleasure from my friends pain, just that i spent soo much time making sure they were happy and none on my own happiness. Over the years i would get depressed and i found the most effective way to combat my feelings was to bury them, stamp them down till i couldn’t feel them anymore, it would take a few days but every few months this was the process, feel down, repress, feel better. Never letting the feelings out, it always seemed someone had a problem and it wouldn’t do for me to break down when there were people to help, I’d get to my problems when they were okay and happy again, but as soon as they were someone else needed help right up until i got so used to burying everything i never really got to dealing. But, it seemed to be working well enough, a couple of days of feeling shit didn’t seem so bad when i could control it, and i became quite good at this process, i gradually lost contact with friends, they moved away or got a new group of friends.

I continued my repression and all seemed okay, But you can only fit so much water behind the dam until cracks appear, and with cracks there is the the possibility of the dam bursting !!

This brings us to last night, i was on the net, chatting as normal, i was chatting to someone who i had been out to a club with the night before and as i had been tired i wasn’t as much fun as i would have normally been, she said to me ‘well why not fucking say i don’t want to go I’m too tired? then we wud have all bin happy’. Not a big thing, i felt a bit gutted but started to repress before it got to big, before the emotions took hold, but with too much water in the dam, with too many years of repression the dam broke, i lost the control i had acquired over my emotions, i broke down, i was in floods of tears, something that had never happened to me and it really frightened me, i had never been in this place before and i didn’t know what to do. This is something i needed to deal with, but I’ve never had to before, what can i do, how can i tackle this, who can i talk to.

Luckily there was a very special person who really showed she cared, she listened to my feelings, she helped me, she gave me advice, to be honest I’m not sure I’d be writing this now if she hadn’t been there to help me. I don’t mean that to sound melodramatic but these are feelings I’d been building up for the last 18 years or so and when they hit, they hit hard. The tears were mostly a floods of all the pain i had refused to let myself feel for so long but also the fact that someone cared, someone was willing to listen, someone wanted to help, i could try to sum up in words the emotions that i was feeling but don’t think i could sum it up, maybe in time i can put it into words but till then, believe me , it was like getting hit by a truck.

I would like to thank that person, i feel soo lucky to have met her and i am soo grateful to have her in my life, i am beginning to believe with her help and the help of others that there is light in the darkness, that maybe i will get through this, that i can be a better person, to that person i say Thank-You Fetish Kitten.

I’d also like to Thank Lolly, i have spoken to her today and she has also offered me some help.

And I’d like to thank in advance anyone else who may help me through this, i love you all and it means alot to me that there is anyone who reads my blog and comments, thank-you all.

take care all,

xxCugglesxx

Hoves

P.S.

Thank-you Sweets for suggesting i start a blog in the first place, it has helped me to grow and i feel it will make me a stronger person in time.

New And Improved, And Now In Colour !!

Hello everyone, sorry i haven’t posted in like ages, and sorry i haven’t commented on anyones blogs for just as long, but I’ve had a lot to sort through in my mind, last time we left me i was feeling pretty low due to my suicidal best mate and dredged feeling of my own failed relationships, But, since then my friend has had a week off work and came down to visit, he seems to be better than he was although he’ll be seeing his ex again tomorrow night so for how long the smiles will last i can’t say.

I’ve come to an understanding, a realisation if you will, how can i be there to help him through his troubled times if I’m falling apart myself, the answer, i can’t, so I’ve spent some time controlling my emotions and repressing (not the healthiest thing but if it works) and I’m pretty much getting back to fun guy, just like a mushroom (which incidentally has the power to kill me, tho I’ve been dead before for a couple of minuets and been hit by a bus in the last 8 months so, bring it on ) i hope to be blogging more and commenting just as much

Right now some scary news, i got told today that I’m being promoted at work, as of the 5th of November I’ll be a manager at my store, it means more money and pretty much doing the same job i’ve been doing for the last 8 months, although I’ll actually be getting paid for what I’m doing, crazy concept i know, but thats how these things go i guess.  Unfortunately, it also means I’m gonna have to deal with ratty customers and they don’t get much more ratty than over the crimbo season, i must confess, i used to be a real people person, could get chatting to anyone, and generally i was liked (not a trumpet blow there, just the way life was) then came a string of broken relationships and my confidence was stripped (and not in the good way) now customers frighten me, and i mean alot, i don’t know how well I’m gonna fare but will keep you all up to date.  Plus having some extra cash won’t hurt i guess, anyone wishing to take advantage of my newly found wealth apply below

well that’ll be it for now, take care all.

Hoves

xxx

When Your Low, Your Low

Hello Everyone,

Good news is I’m now off nights till after Christmas at least, yay

Unfortunately, I’ve had quite a rough weekend, i went up to London to see one of my closest friends, his brother, and his ex-girlfriend. My friend and his ex split up a couple of months ago but he insists that being around her is a good thing, i disagree telling him he needs time to heal, unfortunately for him he’s not doing well dealing with the whole situation and we spent quite some time last night or the early hours of this morning to be specific with him telling me how it would make things so much easier if he ended his life.  He’s always been a fairly strong logical person and if you’d have asked me a year ago I’d have said there was no chance he would ever do anything like that, but given his mental and emotional state at the moment it seems a real possibility.  He told me not to worry, he wasn’t gonna do anything stupid, that he’d tell me before he killed himself, Great i thought, now every time the phone rings it could be him saying, “goodbye mate, I’m gonna kill myself now”, i really don’t know how to help him, i was where he was a few years ago and nearly didn’t come back from it, i remember being in a state where, no matter what people told me id didn’t change anything, i didn’t believe them or want to and felt more determined to do it while i had the nerve, i didn’t in the end as you know, but with this new depression attacking him it’s stirring up the old feelings i had. I worry I’m gonna fall back into that messed up place and then neither of us are gonna be any-good to anyone, how can i tell him that things will get better if i feel the same as him and don’t believe it myself.

I know it’s going to be little comfort, but, don’t worry, I’m not gonna do anything silly, i get down every now and again, i normally bury it until it goes away, I’ll be fine in a few days.

There Endith The Emotional Roller-coaster.

Take Care All.

Chinese Checkers At The Casino Royale !!

Hey all, just got back in from the birthday thing i went to tonight, and it was quite fun

Had to pick the birthday girl up on the way to the chinese and arrived at her place 4 mins earlier that she told me to, which for the following hour from that point she didn’t let me forget. i may get scoulded by saying this, but, honestly, what can a woman accomplish in 4 mins. Anyway,  as previously expected i paid for the cab, tho if i’m honest, i wouldn’t have had it any other way, i really am re-developing feelings for this girl, tho i fear she will never feel the same.

I must confess i was bricking it for most of the day, and hadn’t eaten since the previous lunchtime, but, after meeting her friends for the first time and having a pint of larger (which helped me start to relax) the evening was good.

The chinese we went to,  although slightly slow on the service side, had a good selection on the menu and tasted good, a yum yum was had by all the bill was reasonable too, less than £20 a head including all you can eat and drinks between 7 of us, not sure if i’d go there again, but for what it was it was good

After food it was on to the casino (of which i am now a member), it was the first casino i’d ever been to and i must say, Not what i was expecting. At first glance it looked no more than an arcade with a bar, lots of fruit machines and arcade style roulette. Hummm i thought, this isn’t a casino, but never the less, off to the bar, which was made of ice which seemed like a nice touch. There were large Plasma screes TV’s dotted around the room, how can you tell the quality of a casino, well by what they display on the screens, fancy guessing what was on ? Okay i’ll tell you, ITV4, no i’m not kidding :S Well with drink in hand it was time to gamble, we started on the virtual roulette, it had a touch screen for betting and a roulette wheen in a dome in the centre of the casino, automated, but never the less it was user friendly for new gamblers and seemed to be good enough fun. At best i was up £4.50 and i ended up £5 down by the end of the night but fun was had none the less.

We then took a stroll around the tables, yes they actually had some, crazy as it seemed they were there, Roulette, Black Jack, Craps, the lot, and some people seemed to be winning quite a tasty sum, unfortunately, others were loosing in an equal fashion.

Midnight arrived and it was officially the girl in questions birthday, who were left of us sang the birthday song, much to her embarrisment, i guess i shouldn’t have suggested it Well, we went shortly after the song was sung, she had been up since 5am due to work and was getting tired, bless her, little lamb.

So, what has this evening shown me about myself and my journey ? I find people who i feel really close to and could envisage a future with but have such a great fear of rejection and trust issues that i won’t let myself get hurt and there fore won’t make a move. Meeting new people can be a good thing, but the feelings i get leading up to a meeting really kill me and i find myself trying to avoid said circumstances. I need to sort these issues out and get myself out there, i just need to find the right way to go about it.

Oh well, it’s late or early i’m not sure anymore and i’ve been writing for ages, so i’m gonna go to ben and watch some peep show.

Take Care All,

xxCugglesxx

Time Goes By So Quickly

Hey all, sorry i haven’t posted in a while, been quite a week and i’ve lost track of time some what.

Well, as my two weeks holiday draw to a close and my birthday becomes a memory, what have i accomplished this past forknight, i’ve spent around £700 on a new computer and after much stress and my fair share of technical problems i’ve finally got it up and running and it works like a dream plus it’s really quite, i wouldn’t know it’s on half the time if it wern’t for the blue neon, yeah i know, sounds a bit tacky but looks kewl

Tomorrow night i’m going to a birthday meal and then to a casino for a girls birthday who i used to work with, we got back talking again over the past few months, we have a history in a way and i was hopefull we may be able to spark something this time and get it right, but i’m not all that confident that that’ll happen after all, also i feel she may be menipulateing me, which causes more confusion as being a sub i think i kinda like it. i’m soo confused about the whole situation, to make it worse, this meal and casino evening will consist of me, her and 6 of her friends whom i’ve never met, it’s gonna be a rather uncomfortable evening and i’m not sure how well i will get through it, also, she knows how much of a generous nature i have and i worry she’ll take advantage of that come casino time, which i’ll give in to. Oh well, we’ll just have to see how the evening goes, i’ll let you know what happens sunday (hopefully).

I’m working  night again for a week from monday, watch this space for any exciteing experences i have who knows, mabey we’ll get broken into again !!

Thats more or less it for this post, just wanted to say, anyone who left me comments but they didn’t show up, i apologise, they’d appeared in me spam folder and i forgot to check them sorry about that, should be sorted now

Also, i’d like to send love and cuggles to Fetish Kitten, and wish her a speedy recovery.

Take Care All.

xxCugglesxx

BuffDay Fun And Games :)

Well, as most of you would have guessed from my last post it’s me birthday today, 28 years young as the saying goes, just thought i’d give you an update on me day.

I woke up far too late today, not till lunchtime infact, but when i did, i popped to me localish computer shop to buy a SATA hard drive for me (in development) new PC, then off to argos to buy me self a new IPOD nano as a birthday treat.  Not sure if any of you have IPOD’s, and normally i’m quite good with technology be was a little confuzzed with it at first, think i’ve got it sorted now, but, bloody apple, can’t be stright forward can they.

Other than that me day has been much the same, the family popped over earlier on for the customery b-day cake and song of happy birthday (hate that part sooo embarising ) but it was nice enough, i didn’t get any presents but instead money which is a present anyone can enjoy

I’d just like to thank everyone who has left me birthday wishes today, even if some of them won’t see this thankyou, and i’d like to specially thank Fetish Kitten for her birthday wishes to me and rachy on her blog, she really is a very special person and i feel honoured to have her as a friend and hope to be able to say that for many years to come.

Thankyou everyone,

xxCugglesxx

And Thus, Upon This Day A Hoves Was Born !!

Well, Today would happen to be me birthday, i’m now 28 years young
And i have a feeling this is gonna be the age, the age of descovery, of development, of growth and of happiness. Too long have i felt less than i should be, for as long as i can remember i’ve put other people’s happiness before my own and let myself suffer in silence, but no more.

Don’t worry, i’m not gonna turn into a selfish git, other people’s happiness is still of great importance to me, but i’m not gonna let the good parts of life pass me by anymore because i feel i don’t deserve happiness. And hopefully with the help of you wonderful people who take the time to read my ramblings and leave comments i’ll be able to take that first step and be the real me

I’ll probably post again later to let you all know what birthday fun i’ve been having

Thankyou all for reading and i hope everyone is well,

xxCuggelsxx

 Hoves

The Mating Habits Of The Human Monkey ?!?

Well, i went to a leaving do the other night, firstly there was a chinese meal, then onto the smallest pub in the world for karaoke, service to say, there wasn’t room for the 20 or so people in our group so a large portion of us went off to a club, i hadn’t been to a club since the smokeing ban and it was odd to be in one that wasn’t filled with smoke.
Anyway, i don’t go to clubs all that often, so i spent most of the evening observing the mateing habbits of the human animal, and i still am left with the questrion, how dose anyone meet in a place like that, you can’t hear bugger all so the main medium of comversation would seem to be touch. But, how do you approach somone and communicate through touch without crossing the line, i mean i’m not saying people were shaking hands but grabbing breasts, but still, the whole mating dance confuses me so very much.
this is one of the skills i hope to understand as my confidence grows, which brings me to annother problem i have. Flirting, altough this may seem hard to believe, i have no concept of flirting, i have been told when i’ve flirted and when i’ve been flirted with but i have no conception of it happening, if anyone can offer me any advice on how i may develop and understanding of this i’d be greatfull.

Then again, mabey i just go to the wrong clubs